After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there? The Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief:: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver."
It takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby... you should know that once you're a mother, normal is history.
You learn how to be a mother by instinct . . . Try taking a three-year-old shopping.
Being a mother is boring . . . try riding in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.
If you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good" ... yes, a child comes with directions and a guarantee.
"Good" mothers never raise their voices . . . you should come out the back door just in time to see your child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.
You don't need an education to be a mother . . . have you ever helped a fourth grader with his math?
You can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first. . . it's different when you have five children.
A mother can find all the answers to her child- rearing questions in the books . . how about a child stuffing beans up his nose or in his ears?
The hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery. . . wait till you're a mother watching your "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten . . or on a plane headed for military "boot camp"
A mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back . yes, like trying to get seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.
A mother's job is done when her last child leaves home... just wait until the grandchildren come along.
Your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her . . . Would you be satisfied with this as a mother now?
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young son: Is it true Dad, that some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the OPPOSITE sex.
