1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd : "Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is colour coded."
4th surgeon says: "I like engineers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and arse are interchangeable."
Two brothers, aged 8 and 10, were always playing pranks and getting into mischief. When things went wrong in town, at school, at fairs, and at church, they were inevitably behind it. Their parents were beside themselves with anxiety. What if their children should "step over the line" and get in trouble with the Law? They decided to send the boys to talk with the pastor of the church, a Bible thumping, God fearing, pulpit pounding Rock of Ethics and Values.
The 8-year-old had the first appointment, walking the four blocks from home to the church. When he sat in the chair across from the pastor's desk, the pastor regarded him with a deep scowl, and after a minute said, "Young man, where is God?"
The boy remained silent in his chair.
The pastor raised his voice. "Young man, I said, where is God?"
Still the boy remained quiet, but his eyes widened, and he swallowed nervously.
The pastor leaned over his desk and yelled, "Young man, I asked you a question! Now where is God?"
In terror the boy leaped from his chair, ran home, vaulted up the stairs to his bedroom, and hid in his closet. The 10-year-old, hearing the noise, ran into his younger brother's bedroom and found him shivering in the closet. "What happened?" he said, starting to get scared himself.
"Oh, man, we're in deep trouble," said the 8-year-old. "God's missing, and everyone thinks we did it."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbersbegan to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."
An illinois man left the snow-filled streetsof Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a brief email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her "on the road" e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note as directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.
A writer dies and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the afterworld, she is allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being a very shrewd dead person, she asks St. Peter for a tour of both. The first stop is hell where she sees rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licks the writers' fingers as they try to work, demons whip their backs with chains. Your general hell scene.
"Wow, this sucks," said the writer, "let's see some heaven."
In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licks the writers' fingers as they try to work, demons whip their backs with chains. It looks and smells even worse than hell.
"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked. "This is worse than hell!"
"Yes," St. Peter said, "but here your work gets published."
