Harold was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So..... you know where the juice went.
The nurse came in a little later and picked up the sample. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today....."
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted...... Old Harold just smiled.
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of their accident in the fewest words possible.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.
I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over an embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone poll.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front of my car.
A little boy had received a toy drum for Christmas and was so pleased with it that he beat on it all day long. Hour after hour he beat on it as hard as he could. He was making nervous wrecks of everybody in the neighbourhood. Nobody could stop him. His father and mother had tried to divert his attention to other gifts. His older sister had even threatened him. But, no! He kept on beating his little drum.
After about three days of drum beating, an uncle dropped by the house to wish everybody a happy holiday season. When he saw the problem, he said, "Don't worry, I'll fix it."
He jumped in his car and was gone for 15 minutes. When he returned, he said to the little boy, "I've got something for you in the car." He took him outside, put something in his hand and chatted with him for a few minutes. After that, the drum beating stopped. Complete silence.
"Wonderful," said the kid's dad. "What did you give him? What did you say to him?"
"Oh," said the boy's uncle. "I just went to the hardware store and bought him a swiss army knife. When I gave it to him I asked him if he had ever seen the 'boom-boom-fairies' who lived inside his drum."
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease? . . ."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"